they say....

...that moving through grief can take many shapes and forms.

Mine took in THIS form.



hmmph.

the iphone was the least of my impulse buy problems. apparently.

recovering...

I must be feeling better, going through the grieving process, because people are starting to annoy the hell out of me. What stage is that? Anger? When I got here and people were being assholes, I was all “I don’t even care, nothing matters, blah”

And now, I guess I’m back to my old self. Just this morning I was almost denied boarding my flight cuz I said “Fuck you” to the delta counter lady. Well whatever, she SO deserved that one. But they literally RIPPED my tickets off my bags and everything. So I had to apologize and beg that dumb bitch to let me back on. It’s a long story as how it got to be that bad at the counter, but I am sure we can ALWAYS assume it was totally DELTA’S FAULT.

At any rate, they made me miss my flight, and take a later one, and then when I FINALLY got to security I realized I had no ID.

!!!!!!

isn’t that what nightmares are made of? Maybe tomorrow I am going to be in school taking a test I didn’t study for or waiting on tables where I can’t get to everyone, and the customers are all mad and I might be fired for being surly and slow. Wait. That wasn’t a dream. That was my entire senior year in college. All three senior years.

The fact that I am sitting on this flight is proof that Beck is upstairs telling God “she means well….well, I mean, she got me GREAT treats anyway.”

Then I went for airport starbucks for comfort and In front of me was this French guy talking on his phone. In French. That’s hot. So I looked him up and down. He wasn’t hot. He was short. Had an ugly suitcase and those baggy pants that are all pockets and zippers and snaps EVERYWHERE. Then He hung up and Sbux was playing some sort of African dance something, and he started moving his legs to the beat.

I stood there examining him, wondering on what level of desperation would I date this guy. Like, let’s just SAY he was all in love with me, what would be the deal breaker? His height? The dancing? I mean that would be endearing, maybe, once. But on every vacation? Nah. The attire? The ugly choice of luggage? I wondered on what level would I lower my standards all for a French accent?

Then he didn’t even get coffee. He just got a muffin.

It’s over. We’re breaking up.

Also I have SUCH a bad cold. I am living off of Sudafed Extreme Cold. Everyone on my flight HATES me right now because I am all coughing and stuffy and blowing my nose every few minutes.
There was a wind storm on Thursday and we were walking around the west village and a huge gust blew STREET DIRT right IN MY MOUTH. I about died. I stood there screaming and trying to spit it all out. But I could still feel the grit in my teeth. EEEWWWW! NYC street dirt? Probably has every different mammal feces there is. And a little bum pee. I knew I was poisoned, and sure enough I woke up Friday with a BAD sore throat. EWWWW!

I am still not okay with the germs that are in my body and from whence they came. My mind won’t stop imagining the exact rat who ate the exact rotten sandwich from the exact bum sitting in his adult diaper coughing up phlegm into his whore’s heroin needle. All washed up from the sewers mixed with a little subway grime, right into MY MOUTH!

Ho hum. It’s a lovely flight.

Grief

Grief is a strange thing for sure. I have never really experienced it in my life, which I think is both a blessing and a hinderance. Beck was my first real heartbreak, watching the life leave his eyes, was, literally gut-wrenching.

Now I am in new York with maggie. watching her be depressed about it is even worse. Today was the first day that I didn't wake up crying. Though just writing those few sentences started it up again. It's weird. Nothing really triggers it. I'll be walking down the street, seemingly fine, and a memory will just pop up in my head and start the tears. ( I wear contacts and when I cry they get blurry until I take them out and rinse them, so this is a problem!)

I have only been able to sleep at night by taking ambien. I was SO tired last night that I didn't take one and then had a dream that beck was still alive, and when I woke up I felt my heart squeeze tight. THAT was the worst.

I don't know what I would do without my friends and family right now. I knew I had amazing solid friends, but this just reinforced it. I will say this too, that you don't realize how blessed you are... HOW REALLY BLESSED you are to have people who are there for you. In the smallest ways. Even the people who commented on his video...all that stuff helps. SO if ever you're not sure what to say to someone who has lost someone, for me anyway, EVERYTHING had a good impact.

And Carin...Seriously, The memories you gave me I will treasure for the rest of my life. I look at them EVERY day and thank God that you took those. You captured EXACTLY who he was. I can't express my gratitude enough.

ANyway, I'm going out to dinner, and now I have to rinse my contacts...again.

Life of Beck

I hate spring!!

this is one of those days where I hate everyone and everything. Well, everyone and everything in LA. people's court was a repeat. Jake Ignored my pleas for mercy, my cries for help, and I pulled a rib muscle doing abs! I absolutely HATE "springing" forward. HATE. I even hate the cutesy stupid name someone gave it. I have been tired since sunday. It throws me off. and I prefer evenings. I DON'T LIKE having longer days and less evening time. People in class were idiots today and it's LUCKY for them I've been getting in trouble for being bitchy to students, so I held my tongue. Which made me even MADDER. I felt so, so STIFLED. My creativity SQUASHED!
blahck

Gulty pleasures. Or not so guilty.

My friend dede just blogged about her guilty pleasures. She challenged readers to post their own. I mean, I have a WHOLE WEBPAGE around that. But anyhoo, here are some more..and I would say they were more like addictions, but I like "guilty pleasure better" cuz I don't think Betty Ford or Dr. Drew have a "guilty pleasures" rehab. here goes...

*lip gloss products. I have many. many are in my drawer untouched
*mochas (if you've ever read this blog, that's OBVIOUS)
*reality TV.
*Hannah Montana
*showtunes. Really gay ones. So gay my gay friends are horrified.
*donny osmond. (what? he's HOT)
*American Idol, but who's not?
*yoga pants...they ALWAYS fit and are SO cute and color coded!
*girl scout peanut butter sandwich cookies (luckily, seasonal)(like now.)
*pedicures, but I feel that's more a life necessity
*REEF flip flops, but again, NECESSITY
*easter candy. all of it. except jelly beans
*looking at my wrinkles in the "close-up mirror"
*Cupcakes. Vanilla on Vanilla.
*Baskin Robbins Mocha almond fudge ice cream
*See's Bordeaux chocolates
*People's Court.
*Costco Books (ALWAYS puts me over the $200 mark)
*Nordstrom. I could LIVE in there.
*Dog Collars. They're like REEF's for my dogs. they have many.
*In TOUCH weekly. (it's more the WAY I rush to the newsstand on thursday mornings than the actual magazine itself)(or more like that I KNOW it comes out on thursday mornings)(unlike US weekly, cuz that comes out WED morning)
*Sharpie fine point pens. I must have every color made. in doubles.
*RObert's craft store/paper. I have A LOT of paper. For...you know...future projects.
*hello kitty crap. the tinier the better.
*saying "Totally" and "Fully"
*finding stupid stuff on the internet to blog about.


That's all I can THINK of right now. And luckily for me, outta time. Am meeting my friend at Nordstrom's for mochas and flip flop shopping. HA! ( I am actually so totally serious)

My list is WAY bigger than hers.

remember when...

it was just the neighborhood kids, pulling their red wagons filled with teddy bears, or dollies,or little brothers, or puppies...

now they're wheeling around their earth friendly organic compost gardens ?

sigh.

next up? Ergonomic recycled hemp rollerskates covered in non-toxic wheat grass moss.

what WILL they think of next?

HEy...I didn't get excited about THIS PRODUCT because I am SURE it won't work with my i-phone. But if it did? Apple would have re-invented multi-tasking.

You could watch the nasty, while setting it to some badonkadonk booty tunes, moving up slowly from Sade to Shaggy, while texting your boss and babysitter, AND talking on the phone with grandma.

whew!

ps. My FAVORITE line in that ad was "Listening to your favorite sexy music and actually feeling the corresponding vibes quickly transports you to a place where music, mind and body truly "come" together"
WHO writes this stuff?

BEST/WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

I am now in the last 5 mins of the worst day in my 37 yrs.

It's 11:55 pm, and yesterday at midnight, Beck went Missing. I haven't slept since. I look like a meth addict right now. My hair is a fraggle rock looking mess, and my eyes and face are swollen and red from an entire day of gut wrenching crying.

But someone found him at around 5pm. So he's back home asleep on his bed right now. I just picked him up from the person who found him. exactly 5 mins before he had gone missing the day before.

I have never ever known a pain like that. And I have never ever known the kind of joy and relief I felt when I read this email...

Hi.
I got this e-mail today from a list I belong to and it sounds like your dog. I sent the person a link to your ad. I hope it's Beck.
Best.
Brandi


I found a dog in front of my work. He seemingly approached me out of
nowhere, but obviously has been well taken care of. He's a yellow lab
of about 9 years old or so. He has a green collar with a decorative
pattern on it. No tags, obviously. He appears to have tumors on his
body and problems with arthritis. Overall he's incredibly sweet and
calm, however at moments seems a little scared of course.

I just couldn't leave him, nor could I just drop him off at a shelter.
He's clean, his nails are clipped. Someone obviously loves him and I
have to make sure they find him. I'm reluctant to bring him to a
shelter because you know why, but I must do something with him soon.
If my landlord realizes I've got a furry roomate it could mean big
trouble.

Dog was found at Beverly & Poinsettia in front of MILK, where I work
at approximately 12:30am. I can be located at...


I had, as a last ditch effort, after an entire day of going to Los Angeles Animal shelters (depressing on a GOOD day) and pounding the pavement hanging signs, decided to leave an ad on Craigslist. I even felt pathetic leaving it, like just posting a craigslist ad was a sign of defeat, because, what are the odds?

Well, quite literally 5 mins later I got that email, from a random 3rd party.

So, Miracles do happen. Because THAT? was a miracle by definition. The girl who found him hadn't even posted a craigslist ad, she had posted it on yahoo, which I didn't even know about. And then some random woman, who, THANK GOD, had nothing better to do on a sunday, got that email from yahoo and then decided to just "look on craigslist" the very few minutes after I had posted it. So like, if she had checked craigslist 10 mins earlier, i wouldn't have my dog.

big breath here.

I am so exhausted, but I have energy to write because I had to just acknowledge that miracle today.

And, on another note, this being me and all, when Beck walked in the front door and Mick attacked him as usual with all the obsessive licking and annoyance that is Mick, Beck gave me a look that said maybe he was not so much LOST as ESCAPED.