ummmm

Festive-me...for just me.

2011-12-12T09:53:00.000-08:00

Haha! Juuuust kidding. We all know that this season is for baby Jesus AND me. I just wanted to put it out there that every single time I go "Christmas Shopping" I come home with an awful lot of "one for my brother...two for me!"

When the sales person goes "wow...you've got a LOT of Christmas shopping done!" I just mumble..."yahsuredid" and when I say "you don't need to wrap anything but that one small one....I like to wrap the rest MYSELF. Cuz I bought this GREAT Justin Bieber paper...." I know I'm not totally lying, cuz I DID buy that paper!

(which I did)
(for real)

But uh, yah. I can't be the ONLY one who does this...right??

So, it's been awhile. Let me catch you up on my exciting hollywood single life for the past few months....in pictograph...

SEPT

Lost my mind. Got Foster dog Murphy.

OCT

UTAH/IDAHO ROAD TRIP!!

NOV

Re-decorated guest bedrooms 1 & 2 in Target Missoni collected across country from said road trip

GUEST ROOM #1

GUEST ROOM #2

Also squeezed in NYC trip for Bday!

We look pretty decent for 40 right?

ALSO went on treacherous trip to Knotts Berry Farm. Practically died.

DEC

Rest after shopping. Note only I have stocking FOR ME. Santa better not forget!

Also....

....Am not ONLY one who went Target/Missoni crazy!

THE END...

(Still have "foster dog" though. sigh)

The 12 Gays of Christmas...

2011-12-06T20:43:00.000-08:00

I think this just made my whole holiday. This was MUCH needed after a day of LA faux hippie yogis who infect this town like roaches! They were even in BARNEY'S today. BARNEY'S! That is MY territory. Go back to Occupy Wholefoods!

Anyhoo...this made me WAY more jolly!

Easy Reader That's My Name...

2011-12-01T07:33:00.000-08:00

I always wondered WHAT exactly would get me back actually blogging. Not just "in my head" blogging whereupon as I fall asleep I recite an entire post that I SWEAR I will write down in the morning....yyyeah.

Well, here it is folks. Consider it the first day of christmas...aww aww awwwwwwww.....

PS...Morgan Freeman....I have always loved you and now I love you even more. Dare I say this was your best performance to date?

I laughed so hard I cried

2011-11-04T08:03:00.001-07:00

Ummm, DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS AT WORK....unless you really hate your job

2011-10-18T22:12:00.001-07:00

Oh man....If only I could take this guy to Whole Foods with me!

drunk blogging

2011-09-30T20:24:00.000-07:00

I'm drunk
I just ate a huge steak.
I'm in Park city

VEGANISM ROCKS!

Things I have enough of....

2011-09-21T07:48:00.000-07:00

1. Missoni/Target stuff.**

2. Dogs.***

That is all.

** I WAY hoarded and overbought. I couldn't help it! My friend and I drove to the GANG area of LA to get this stuff. I WORKED for it! If you want any kid stuff or shoes, lemme know cuz I would rather send to you than return it. Sadly, every time I weed through it all to take stuff back, I can't part with any of it. That whole non-materialistic part of yoga training didn't really take.

***That little one is up for adoption. I Swear. I AM NOT KEEPING HIM. He is a FOSTER pet. It's all the rage here in LA. Anyone who's anyone fosters an animal for some rescue group. Rescuing kids from Africa is SOOOOO 2008.

It's Fall in LA!....

2011-09-18T21:57:00.000-07:00

...cuz I'm sitting here in Starbucks drinking my salted-caramel-mocha-with-soy-no-whip-extra-hot! Nooo, I am not affected by the LA scene WHATSOEVER! DO you guys KNOW how good this drink is?? Way better WITH whip, but you know, that's not on the vegan menu...HAHAHAH!

Psych! Face! Moted!

OF COURSE I have whip....which confuses the baristas here to no end. heehee. And for my non-coffee friends...you can get this as a hot chocolate and it's just about the best durn thing in the world!

Its been SUCH a busy summer...hence the cobwebs and for rent signs on my blog.

But what I love about fall, for me, is that I get to slow down, enjoy the changing of the network line-up, long lazy sundays watching new pilot episodes, fresh brewed apple cider scent wafting through Bath and Bodyworks, spending quality time outdoors driving to all the greater LA targets hunting for Missoni wear, new Ugg boots peeking out from their summer hibernation, Fresh pomegranate lipgloss, and all the brilliant fall colors adorning the windows of Pottery Barn!

God I love LA in Fall!

BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH

2011-09-15T22:48:00.000-07:00

Listen. I've said it many many times. But at least once a year I get my annual, uh, gift? as it were. And tonight was the night. This otherwise adorable guy was front and center(fold) in class tonight. And it wasn't until the END of class that I had them do a two minute thing where you sit like this....

Annnnd THAT, my friends is when the magic happened. Adorable guy was wearing NO UNDERWEAR. And loose shorts.

Now, let me repeat that this is kinda old hat to me by now. I am a seasoned instructor, after all. I've been to battle. Usually I just run away and avoid that whole side of the room entirely and then drive home and take a burning shower to my eyes and scrub them with sulfuric acid to burn away the image.

But tonight I was trapped. He was in the front row, and I was DIRECTLY sitting in front of him. SITTING. There was no way to escape politely AND I had just told the class that it was a two minute pose. I mean his Don Johnson was RIGHT there. Like mere inches away. Like-I-could-have-put-a-Gucci-leash-on-it-and-adopted-it-as-my-4th-pet close.

So I did all I could do and looked away. Tried to PRETEND that his wiener dog wasn't wagging in front of me. And then see out of the corner of my eye that HE now notices that he is doing flasher-asana and he goes "OH DUDE!" and tries to put the thing back in!!! ALL WHILE DOING THE POSE! THIS pose...

He THINKS he has put lucifer back in the box but he hasn't really and the darned thing keeps coming back out.

yah.

Annnnd he keeps puttin' it back in and so forth. He's also looking around all embarrassed to see if anyone saw and he looks right at me, who's looking ANYWHERE but him, and then I just lose it.

I start to laugh. And then I can't stop laughing but I have to cover it up because I DO NOT WANT HIM TO KNOW THAT I KNOW. So I start talking "to the class" about stuff that isn't even funny, but I'm all cracking up and they're all confused because I am making no sense. I'm saying stuff like "yah, you know, yoga can sometimes be difficult HAHHAHAHAHAH! Especially when it's really hot in here HAHHAHAHHA! And your mats get all sweaty HAHAHHAHAHA! Ohhhhh...you guys are so funny HAHHAHAHHAHA!"

Then it was FINALLY over and I was all "SAVASANA!"(the final resting pose) even though it wasn't at all time for the final pose and there was still 15 mins of class left. and as soon as flasher dude was lying down I bolted from my seat and ne'er returned.

I really REALLY don't get paid enough for this. It's gonna take a double dose of Vicodin to erase this kinda pain.

THIS is the kind of thing that gets me blogging again. Genius. Sheer Genius.

2011-09-08T20:10:00.001-07:00

I practically killed a celebrity....and other stories in the news...

2011-07-29T07:31:00.000-07:00

A famous chick came to my class last night. And during crow pose she sprained her wrist JUST as I was yelling at everyone "Don't wimp out in crow....DO IT!"

oops.

SO much for my celeb following. And on another note, what cracks me up living in LA is reading Yoga instructor bios. If your'e ever bored at work just go to any random LA yoga studio site and read the bios...WRITTEN by the teachers themselves btw. And you will find, 10 times out of 10, the words "Teaches classes around the world" (because they once showed their cousin a few poses in mexico) "inspirational" and "CELEBRITY following." It's quite amusing. My MOST favorite though is when it's all "so and so has been practicing yoga since the age of 2..." Riiiiiighht.

But the REAL exciting news of the week is twofold. ONE...I figured out how to make Vegan Ranch Dressing!!!!! Life is complete. Must add this to my yoga bio. (and it tastes amazing, Bitches!) And TWO..

ANGRY. BIRDS. SHANGHAI EDITION.

'nuff said.

ps. Before you get all judgy, I just want to add that I spent countless brain cells and hours devising this vegan ranch recipe because if you BUY ranch mix it has "less than 2% buttermilk" which I would NOT have! SO I chopped up my own herbs and pepper and stuff and made my own....only to end up using it on regular cheese quesadillas. But hey...THE RANCH WAS VEGAN!!!

awwww...who needs a hug today?

2011-07-21T06:43:00.000-07:00

My week has turned rather annoying. My brand new vacuum broke...AGAIN. And though this is about to sound very whitey elitist...I fear that it's not the vacuum but the housekeeper who has now broken my washing machine, vacuum...TWICE, expensive coffee grinder and almost the dryer. And she doesn't speak english so I cant even yell at her.

See? Assholes need hugz too!

Dumb as They Come! or Do they have summer school for adults?

2011-07-05T08:47:00.000-07:00

Really.

There are moments when I just have to shake my own head at myself for being the dumbest person I know. It's like, did I even GO to college?? Is this old age? Or genetic. I feel like I USED to be very smart. And then one day I woke up and was all "what's this stupid facebook thingie?"

This is how I felt the other day when my mom said "can you even believe this casey Anthony trial?"
and I said "really? there's a trial for exposing yourself on the internet? Did he get arrested for the whole twitter thing??"

My mom looked at me dumbfounded. "NO. CASEY Anthony. The woman who murdered her CHILD?!?!"

I hadn't even heard of this. But of course I said "oohhh! yah! Of course. I heard you wrong!"

LIE.

I just thought that people were calling The Anthony Weiner stuff "Casey Anthony" for some strange reason.

If that had been an exchange with a friend I would have admitted my stupidity. But admit to MY MOM??? that I'm dumber and more out of the loop that HER??

NEH. VER.

I blame Twitter wars and Hangin' with Friends and my new obsession with walking to audio books. Sure I've lost 40 lbs...but I don't even know who's running for President! I DO know however, that Ashton Kutcher stopped his war with Village Voice over sex trafficking and that Dooce is accused of being a poverty tourist and that the word "shovel" stumps people in hangin' every. single. time.

I really need to branch out to something more mainstream media. Like the NEWS news. And no, not US weekly news. At LEAST People magazine. At least!

Summa summa summa-time

2011-06-28T07:17:00.000-07:00

I can't even BUH-lieve it's almost July!! I was in Nordstrom yesterday (everyday) and they had FALL STUFF out! Which thrills me to no end as that is my MOST favorite clothing season. I am SO getting these....

And when I say "getting these" what I mean is that I want these for my Birthday....soooooo.....

Also, I've been somewhat Vegan now for like a MONTH. Maybe even more. It's the gateway drug to this...

LUCKILY the fine people from Europe FINALLY brought these to the US....

Seriously. If you have not even had a Magnum bar then just don't start. Annnnnd I ate a whole box yesterday. Which isn't very vegan of me. When I have ever gone to another Country I GORGE on these. Obsessed. Which is good, because now that they're in the US, these alone will keep me from ever being 100% vegan and therefore I will remain hated by all Outback Drivers and Tom's shoes wearers.

Subject changer...I also saw this at the grocery check-out yesterday...

And I thought, huh....I wonder if Italians are BEYOND insulted by this! Like, THIS is what Italy has to offer??? THIS is a gift of Italy??

Just typing all this made me hungry...gonna go ~~eat more magnum bars~~ make my vegan smoothie

One of THOSE People

2011-06-22T08:58:00.000-07:00

Yah. I've done IT. Crossed over into Crazy Town aka Whole Foods Shopper. I'm a vegan now. Well. that's not entirely true. I'm a sometimes fair weathered vegan...MEANING if you are visiting me from out of town (OR down the block) we ARE going to cheesecake factory.

But in my everyday life at home I am attempting to eliminate all animal products. Yes. Even cheese :( (unless you're coming over for a wine and cheese party)(anyone? anyone?) And I'm only telling YOU guys this because my audience is judgy free! HA!

AHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!

The PROBLEM with this lifestyle is that ONE...It means I have to go to Whole foods WAY more than ever. I try to limit it to once a week. And I am learning more and more about their uh, clientele, as it were. I haven't stumbled upon more busy body proselytizers IN MY LIFE. And I've BEEN to Bible camp AND lived in Utah! I am not even kidding when I tell you that at LEAST once per trip SOMEone has come up to tell me about what product to buy....and we aren't talking about employees here. CUSTOMERS. I'll be looking at the ingredient list on something and sure enough I hear "Oh..have you TRIED that one yet? Because you have GOT to try the raw organic chia seeds...what you have there? those are just plain raw! Blyackkkk!"

The OTHER problem is that I get kinda spacey and light headed sometimes. I don't know if it's my body weeding out toxins OR screaming for a slab of Brie.

I consider myself blameless here. It's NOT MY FAULT! It all started with this stupid movie and then from that movie I read this stupid book. And now I am hooked. And people say media doesn't affect us! Please God...PLEASE...SOMEONE make a movie about the benefit of Oreos!

This has surprisingly been pretty easy. I mean I was almost kinda sorta vegetarian before (except for that honey baked ham my brother made at easter) (the one I said I wouldn't touch)(and then ate half of it) (to his chagrin because there went the leftovers for ham sandwiches!) But yah. So. It HAS been easy and actually kinda fun. I know.

You're shaking your head.

Deleting me from your RSS feed.

I don't blame you. But just know that mommy and cheese still love each other and we will NEVER stop loving YOU.

procrastinators r us

2011-06-21T15:01:00.000-07:00

Seriously. I am the worlds biggest procrastinator. I am procrastinating so hard that I'm BLOGGING! And this, AFTER I already tidied up the house, cleaned the counter tops (I don't clean) and took out the recycle bin! (I have never done this) I have lots to do....they just are THAT unappealing apparently that I refuse to do them. SO here I sit. Writing and watching Sex and the City reruns and playing Words with Friends and now even the new "Hanging with Friends" (hurry...GET THIS ONE so we can play!)

It's a good thing I own my new (non) business. Otherwise I'd SO be fired!

Pooped Friday

2011-06-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

I am exhausted. NOT from all the spinning and walking and general exercise I've been doing the last few months. No. I am pooped because PEOPLE KEEP WEARING PATCHOULI TO SPIN CLASS!!! WHY???? That smell makes me want to die. Its worse than a fart. And it sucks my energy into its nasty vapors. I always try to find the culprit so I can yell at them or spit on them or SOMETHING like I would normally have done pre-personality rehab. But it makes me all dizzy and confused and I feel like PeeWee Herman when he lost his bike and was all wandering around thinking that EVERYONE stole it...

I'm not making sense am I? yah. It's the patchouli fumes. And all the workouts.

But all I have to say is...I've missed you guys SO much! That's the only reason I'm back here, bitching again. Because my life has been lonely and empty without all your funny banter and comments. And who else will listen to my Fabio sightings and how I ate lunch RIGHT next to heidi montag last week?

Or how I walk by this sign everyday...

and up until just a few days ago thought it was saying "421 brunches for u" and I was all "wow! The banks are giving away brunches now? cool!"

Or look at gratuitous pics of the cutest baby niece ever...

or look at even more pics of the cutest DOG ever!

And WHO else would I share my underwear hoarding problem with??

(I counted 102 pairs....74 brand new) (I guess they didn't really cover this at personality rehab)

SO THANK GOD for you guys!

Is it time for cousin Oliver to go home?

2011-06-02T07:20:00.000-07:00

My poor sad neglected blog....do I keep writing on this dinosaur or have we already jumped the shark??

Sorry. But this made me laugh too.

2011-04-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

This is so freakin cute. It's been on the morning news all day. My dogs don't eat bubbles. Unless they're shaped like shoes.

apparently it's youtube week here at the YB

2011-04-20T10:12:00.001-07:00

I actually laughed out loud in parts.

If this doesn't make your Monday WAY better I don't know what else will...

2011-04-18T07:11:00.001-07:00

Tis the season....

2011-04-05T10:34:00.000-07:00

I was just INNOCENTLY sipping my Starbucks, waiting for Spin class to start when these guys arrived! In LA it's Idol season, and not idol season. I have complained endlessly about the traffic I have to endure on their filming days. But today they were actually POSING for me...and TALKING to me. They were so adorable I wanted to pinch their cheeks. I told them it was nice to see that they weren't jaded yet. And the southern one goes "We'll NEVER be jaded!" Ah. youth.

(LOVE the disgusted look from the OTHER starbucks customer as I was being all stalkarazzi. Jealous much?")

I don't get starstruck much, but there was something crazy fun and exciting having all 9 idols 5 feet away from me taking and laughing. Their excitement was infectious. UNfortunately that excitement didn't last past the Spin class doors. If only I can get them to SPIN with me...well then I would be in GREAT shape!

It's all Business around here.

2011-04-04T09:57:00.000-07:00

Been doing LOTS of business type research lately. HUGE amounts. You walk into my office and you're like "Warren Buffet? Bill gates? Donald Trump? Who's Office IS this?"

I am all about a serious and P-R-O-fessional work environment. If you'd like to start your own business too (IF you have the stamina, that is) then I found THIS site VERY helpful in terms of research analysis. Let me know what you think. I'm pretty sure you'll find yourself having JUST as productive a workday as I am! And if not, it's ok. Not EVERYONE can be a self-starter like me. It takes DISCIPLINE.

Casual Fridays...VERY casual.

2011-04-01T20:38:00.000-07:00

NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS

SE HABLA ESPANOL

(not really)

Entrepreneurship is ROUGH

2011-03-31T08:05:00.000-07:00

I meant to post yesterday. I really did. I had something all ready about religion or somesuch riveting topic. But here's the truth of it. I'm starting a small business. And let me tell you future business owners of the world, IT IS HARD WORK! No glam self starter here.

There is SO MUCH TO DO! And yesterday was overwhelming.

I had to PUT TOGETHER a file box.

For my business.

I THOUGHT when I bought this thing that it would like, snap together or something. But no. It had SCREWS! Which required a SCREWDRIVER. And someone who knows how to USE a screwdriver. Normally. I would give up on such a task. But no. I'm a business starter now. I have to get in the trenches here. Files Are NECESSARY for a business.

I mean SURE. I COULD have bought an UGLY file box that was all done and stuff. But no. I had to have THIS one, with the clear top so one could see my color coordinated folders and hangers! (Donald Trump says it's all about your business image. INDEED!) (I won't even TELL you how many deliberation hours it took me to choose the green/black/grey file folder combo)

I broke a sweat. My arms were sore. I couldn't figure out side A fitting into side C. I dropped the screws and hunted for them. I cursed and swore. DAMN you CONTAINER STORE! This was 20 bucks! I expect this DIY shit from IKEA for $2.50. NOT CONTAINER STORE for $20!!!! And so on.

Long story longer...6 hrs, 500 swear words, and one majorly scratched desk from said screws, LATER...

OPEN FOR BUSINESS

(I blame websites like hers for making people like me THINK they can just go be all handy and crafty and self-sufficient.)

(did you SEE the mirror she just like, MADE. ALL by herself?? With MORE than a screwdriver??)

New item on "to do" list?
1. HIRE ASSISTANT
2. Make file folder for "TO DO" lists
a. use green file folder, with black file hanger
b. see how the green folders match my green walls? Cute, huh!

I just can't can't WAIT to tell this cute story on Oprah. Sitting next to Warren Buffet. On her "Billionaire Business Owners" show. I'll toss my head back and laugh "oh Oprah, can you believe that I started off in the trenches just like everyone else...that I once had to put together a file box??" Tossing head back laughing again..."ahhhahaah...sweet days, eh Op?"

I think I'll file this scene under the same file as "own a candy rack."
(In the grey folder)

post salon tuesday

2011-03-29T08:10:00.000-07:00

Yes. I did spend the evening petting my hair. It will only be this nice and straight for MAYBE 2 days. I really wish it was more acceptable for someone my age to get bangs because HOLY FOREHEAD! But here in LA, if you suddenly show up with bangs everyone assumes you had a facelift. And I already have to triple quadruple check to make sure I'm not "too blonde" or "too long" for my age. Like SOME PEOPLE...

That's what my skype calls consist of. "You'll tell me if I start looking all OC housewife, right?"

Also having my hair all straight and perfect trumps any kind of "working out" which would RUIN it. Sweat=nappy curl. SO, you know, that treadmill is OUT of the question....now! I was GONNA run 20 miles today, but no. Can't muss the hair.

Apparently a week in the woods at 'emotional camp' did NOT in fact cure me of shallow vanity. huh. Oh well! At least I'm HAPPY and shallow!

Oh monday monday...

2011-03-28T07:53:00.000-07:00

I really shouldn't complain. My big task for the day is my 11am hair appt. Beyond that I really can't say what I'll do. I have puh-lenty of work to get done, but sometimes after I get my hair did I like to just sit and pet it. Everyone does this, right?

Spring is problematic for me because I just want to travel and travel and shop and travel. New York in Spring! Paris in Spring! Shopping for adorable dresses in Spring!

BUT

I'm grounded. Citibank is my new "mom." Which means I need to get creative in my free time. sigh. so much for being an adult.

My friend and I were talking the other day about how dumb we were when we were kids and we would fantasize about all the "freedom" we'd have as adults. My big fantasy was that when I was "grown up" and "rich" I would have an entire candy rack !IN MY HOUSE! filled aplenty with every different candy bar that I could choose whenever I wanted. THAT was the glory of adulthood!!

WHAT A LETDOWN man! I don't got no candy rack! WTF?

The American dream is DEAD my friends. DEAD!

See? CLEARLY I need a vacation!

I'm baaaaack. And New & Improved!

2011-03-21T08:29:00.000-07:00

I was just in napa for 10 days. Vacation? Not so much. I basically went to emotional bootcamp. I know I know. Sounds TOTALLY lame. And I will never EVER divulge what we did there. Suffice it to say I am WAY nicer and WAY happier!

But don't you worry. I'm still a bitch. I'm just no longer a vindictive bitch.

Then I spent a couple of days with my sister who I never get to see enough of. It's so weird when I hang out with her because as different as we seem to be... HER=Hippie. ME=NOT....we are just SO.MUCH.ALIKE. For instance, when I completely ate it on her back porch, practically DYING, she couldn't even pretend to keep a straight face. Then later that night she goes out to her porch and I just hear her laughing and laughing and she comes back in all "I'm sorry...I just can't even look at where you fell without cracking up."

hmph.

She is just SO lucky that I had already been to emotional camp and I did NOT in fact kick her ass. However I may or may not continue to teach her 4 yr old how to swear. People with kids should NOT THROW STONES.

See how totally different and peaceful I am?

God Bless
Namaste
Ommm
Love & light
World Peace

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

2011-02-14T16:17:00.000-08:00

This is the only lovin' going on in MY house. But, awwwwww. This ain't SO bad.

....I mean, Zac waiting underneath the covers above them wouldn't be SO bad either.

XOXO

Spring Bieber

2011-02-13T09:03:00.000-08:00

One thing I love, probably the ONLY thing I love about LA is that Spring happens in February. This is my mom's tree in her backyard. It's like I arrived don friday and BAM! There it was....

That inspired me to "Spring clean" my house. And by clean, I mean organize stuff and make it pretty AFTER the housekeeper leaves.

Those are the jars my half n half comes in. SO CUTE, right? Seriously I hope the afterlife includes rooms filled with shelves and shelves of adorable jars!

And since I was already in the throes of spring bieber....er, fever, I also went to the 3-d Justin Bieber Movie!! (insert teen screams) AND I went ON the paramount lot because, I KNOW PEOPLE.

It was nice to see the privileged offspring tweeners of Hollywood's elite power players gushing and gasping over the biebs. Justing Bieber is the great equal opportunity for all girl stalkers around the world!

I gotta say. I'm a belieber. The movie rocked. Made me wish I was a tweener NOW. All we had when I was that age was Ralph Macchio and the two Cory's. Barf. Go see that movie! Baby Baby Baby ohhhhhh....

Maggie's a Belieber....

2011-02-09T07:19:00.001-08:00

You know. No matter what ANYone says....People who live in LA ALL want to make it big somehow. Well, Maggie has now had her big break! I'm nt gonna say if there was any "on set" romance, but let's let the screen chemistry speak for itself.

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

DDD-Day

2011-02-04T10:44:00.000-08:00

I've decided this is going to be my new symbol for when companies/idiots totally do bad things. Like instead of WWJD? It's just plain DDD.

LIKE The Washing machine delivery dude. WHO arrived 35 mins late after a SIX HOUR TIME FRAME. With no apology to boot.

Because he was so late, I had taken the dogs out front for a mini-wee. I tell him the front door is open and to go ahead and start taking the old one out. He comes hopping out like 5 seconds later and says "you have a leak in your faucets and I am not allowed to install by the order of the Presdiency and Hogwarts."

I was all "WHAT?! There is NO leak in the faucets!"

And AS HE'S walking back to his truck he hand signals his partner to put the new machine back in, he says "yes there is and we can NOT install if there is even ANY leak. You'll have to call and re-schedule"

And I was all "HAY-ELL NO! WAIT!"

I run over to his truck like a wife pleading for her abusive husband to stay, and all desperate I go "NO! Wait! NO! You can NOT LEAVE! I have to have this machine!!! NO! THERE IS NO LEAK!!!"

And all calmly (SO like a man!!) he's all "Nope. Gotta reschedule."

And I just look at him and go "Why are you being such an asshole??"

And then he goes..." well I for SURE am not leaving the machine now!!" (which, he never WAS gonna leave it. I have played this tactic MANY times in my youth....Like when my brother was mean to me and I was all 'I was GONNA GIVE YOU ALL MY CANDY, but NOW I'm not!')

And he drives away with my brand new washer. After I had waited ALL day. In dirty clothes.

I really had to resist the urge to run down the street and block his truck. But it was a BIG truck. And I still had the dogs. There is a certain brand of crazy that I will NOT exhibit in front of them.

I was so angry I almost melted into the cement on the spot a la our favorite wicked witch of the west.

I looked down at the dogs and Mick was totally ashamed for me. His eyes were all "have some RESPECT for yourself woman!"

I waited until I was all alone in my car on the way to teach a class (poor suckers) to call and scream at the company. Without the disapproving glares of my dog.

The HAPPY end of the story is that when they came again, it was a new delivery guy who was all "there are no leaks here! That other guy who delivered this was an ASSHOLE!"

YES !!! YES!!!! VINDICATION!

I gave him a $20 tip.

Nobody puts Baby in the Corner! NOBOBY!

2011-02-03T07:08:00.000-08:00

I had to shut the dogs in my room for a whole two minutes yesterday when the washing machine delivery guys were here. I almost didn't even wanna open it again cuz those feet cracked me up.

This is SO representative of how I feel when I get to the See's Candy store and it's closed.

Beverly Hills Housewives Reunion Re-Cap

2011-02-01T16:42:00.000-08:00

I was gonna recap this for you all in SOME way. But Oh did I find a good site. And I could never top it! So, run along and enjoy...And tune in tonight for part TWO!!! Can't WAIT!

HOUSEWIVES RECAP

Buddy-Bot!....Don't forget about the chickens!

2011-01-29T23:17:00.000-08:00

I am obsessed with this "children's" music. OBSESSED. My brother turned me on to Buddy-Bot last weekend. (He's good for something) If you have kids, or in my case, you DON'T, you have GOT to buy the album. Your kids will be obsessed too. Let me just say that I was listening to this ALL DAY in the car. My fav's are Old MacDonald, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Love you more. But here's Buddy-Bot's break out first video.

PS. Pay attention to his fancy footwork here. I gotta get back to my hip hop classes for sure!

Hello Asshole!

2011-01-28T06:57:00.000-08:00

Oh Appliances, how I hate thee so.

Listen. I'll break it down for you. They came to deliver the washing machine yesterday. I was given a window of 10-4. Really?? WHO has that kind of time?

They arrive at 4:35. Really? couldn't make that SIX HOUR WINDOW?

Welll, one thing leads to another and I called the guy an asshole and he left.

WITH MY WASHING MACHINE

And JUST when I was envisioning setting fire to Best Buy, a wee savior appliance arrived to redeem the appliances of the world.

The Hello Kitty Humidifier!

I had ordered it days before. I've been waking up with drool all over my face because it's so dry I apparently can't breathe at night. Is this the cutest thing EVER or what? And...IT GLOWS PINK in the dark!

HEART.

Now, if they could only make a Hello Kitty Washing Machine the world would be a better, happier place.

Wait....I bet they do....

HA! Oh man. This kills me. You gotta love the Japanese and their undying dedication to all things Kitty.

At any rate I am basking in the glow of the ONE appliance that makes me happy. Even if I am still sleeping on dirty sheets.

Maybe they should make Hello Kitty Anger Management Classes.

Wait....

Is this why you're supposed to get married? SO your Husband has to deal with this crap?

2011-01-27T09:27:00.000-08:00

I had to buy a new washing machine yesterday. Because my 3 yr old VERY EXPENSIVE TOP OF THE LINE washing machine broke. BROKE. Just All up and BROKE. After THREE years! Grrrrr.

I realize there are bigger problems in the universe but WHY ME???? Seriously. I don't know if I'll ever get used to wasting my money on stupid stuff like Appliances. Appliances for washing stuff. UGH! It's not fair! What did I do to deserve having to buy a new washing machine!!?? Is this like, karma for all those taco bell burritos I stole from the student union when I was in college?

I don't know why it hurts...physically HURTS to hand over the credit card for those purchases. Last spring I spent more than that on one pair of shoes NO PROBLEM. In fact. It was EXCITING to come home with those shoes. But a Washing Machine?? FML.

I was so distraught after that purchase I went straight across the parking lot to Costco and spent a bunch of money on total crap. As one does at costco. I mean yah. Who DOESN'T need a box of TWENTY FOUR protein bars? And TWELVE new pairs of socks. And TWO QUARTS of lobster bisque. (one should always eat lunch BEFORE going in there)

Then, since I was already on a spending spiral I finished the day off with the "piece de resistance"...the ultimate wasteland....Target. Needless to say My new washing machine that gets delivered today will have ADORABLE matching polka dot bins to store the detergent.*

*which I forgot to buy.**

**of course***

***God forbid I buy things I actually NEED at Target or Costco.

Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens...

2011-01-25T10:17:00.000-08:00

...Peanut Butter Cheesecake and couches for sittin'.

Isn't that how that song goes?

Well, it's how it goes in MY book. And exactly what I did this weekend. Had a Glorious WELL DESERVED vacation in Carlsbad/San Diego. I found there were a LOT LESS idiots there. And crystal clear blue skies! And beautiful ocean views! And the people who worked at Starbucks were actually super nice. Who knew?

I got to hang out with my adorable little brother who is expecting his first baby in a few weeks. His Wife is one of those irritating pregger women who, if you look at them straight on, or from behind, YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL THEY'RE PREGNANT. And she's due in like 5 weeks. Life is bitterly not fair. I mean. I haven't BEEN preggo, but I know I just KNOW that people will start asking me when I'm due about 1 week in. Hell, I get asked that after a big salad.

I also got to meet up with some of my "fans." Can I just say that an evening of pure laughter+aforementioned cheesecake=1,000mg of prozac. Believe me. I know. Makes me wish I just had a life of pure vacation. 24/7. Where I could travel around hanging with crazy fun people (that's crazy-fun, not crazy, fun) from all over. And eat cheesecake.

sigh.

They didn't have a major for that in college. I majored in English and French. Which has made me into the corporate billionaire that I am today.

FaceStalker

2011-01-20T12:09:00.000-08:00

I feel as if I should let it be known that I am ticking away the hours until the season finale of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills tonight. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

Okay. That's off my chest. NOW....Lets get to The Devil's online lair...Facebook. Though I LOVE if I don't have someone's email I can just pop over there to send them a message, I am about to ram a fork in the eye of the next person who sends out Group emails where they have it set up so that EVERYONE ON THE EMAIL RESPONDS TO YOU. And I don't even know how to make it stop! Is this a new feature?

And to top it off I get an email sent to me every single time someone I am not even friends with sends a response to the original sender AND a pop up on my Phone saying that "anna has sent YOU a message!" when in fact anna, whom I don't know and will never know, has sent a message to my original soon to be ex-friend.

And since I wasn't the original sender I can't even stop it. It's like having an annoying neighbor pop into your window every 5 seconds.

And their cousin.

And their husband.

And their co workers.

And their inlaws.

I also hate how if you comment on someone's picture or whatever that you get an email every single time SOMEONE ELSE comments on said item. WHY? WHY IS THIS NECESSARY???

Also if someone writes stuff on your wall you should have to APPROVE IT before it actually makes it on there. DITTO on picture tagging! (ESPECIALLY on picture tagging)

People keep asking for a "dislike" button. I am asking for "like" "dislike" and "Deep Seated Hatred"

I REALLY wish companies would consult me on such matters. I wish there were a government job title called like, GRAND CONSULTANT TO EVERYTHING. Cuz I SO woulda majored in that. I woulda been class Valedictorian! Magna Cum Blah Blah! At the VERY least I would have officially graduated!

Also I would make it so the Housewives were on every.single.day.

LIKE!

THANK GOD I'm not teaching today!

2011-01-19T15:56:00.000-08:00

It's a full moon. I'm payin' my monthly bill. And I just got my DMV car registration renewal in the mail...which I FEEL like I JUST paid...and it WENT UP. AGAIN. $465!!!!! Of this, there's a $20 non-smog fee....because my car is new enough that I don't have to pay for a smog test...they charge me for that. nice. LOVE broke ass california. LOVE.

I've also not been sleeping cuz it's so damn dry in this draught desert state. And I've just lost like 4 'Words with Friends' games.

Who wants to mess with me right now? WHO?

Shouldn't we (and by "we" I mean "I") get presents for days like today?

YES! YES WE (I) SHOULD!

ONE TWO THREE FOUR ONE TWO THREE FOUR....wow. I haven't uh, COUNTED in a while!

2011-01-18T09:36:00.000-08:00

Apparently the only thing that gets me to my blog these days, as inspiration, are youtube videos. It's sad. It's true. I wish youtube videos would ALSO inspire me to, say, do taxes or run around on a treadmill. Now THAT would make youtube useful. Anyhoo...I about peed my pants on this one. Minute 1:06 had me in tears.

All I can say is that I got a Kindle for Christmas and I then downloaded all three Steig Larrson books and I JUST finished the last one yesterday and can now come back to my normal blog stalking/shopping life. If you have not read these I COULDN'T PUT THEM DOWN. And OH! The Kindle! How I love thee instant gratification ways!

Oh, and also noteworthy...BARB, of BIG LOVE BARB! came to my class last sunday. I about DIED because I taught the entire sunday AM class and didn't know it was her and then she comes up to me after class to ask me all these questions and it took me a few seconds to recognize her and then I wasn't even all HOLY *COUNT* (see below video) it's Jeane Triplehorn! I was all HOLY *COUNT* it's BARB! BARB is talking to me! I'm talking to BARB! The more she talked the lamer I became. I think I even stuttered. BARB!

K. That is all.

Well, It's SOMETHING

2011-01-11T12:59:00.000-08:00

Don't even watch this video unless you have the "Angry Birds" app on iphone and play it A LOT. Sorry to be so elitist here, but this made me LOL. For real.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2011-01-01T09:27:00.000-08:00

You know you've partied like it's 1999 when you end up passed out watching the Twilight Zone marathon.

And I will leave you with this direct quote FROM a Twilight Zone episode last night where a little boy was maybe about to die and THIS is what his dad prays for...

"Please let him live! He's just a 5 yr old boy! He's never even experienced what it's like ot go to school. He's never had a girlfriend. He's never worn long pants!..."

So, my blogger friends, make sure you make EVERY SINGLE DAY of this blessed new year count! And for the love of God....wear some long pants before it's too late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAUTION: Make these "cakes" only if you HATE the person you're giving them to

2010-12-14T12:33:00.000-08:00

I have just recently been introduced to Sandra Lee. I then spent the greater part of yesterday watching all the videos I could find on youtube. It was like Christmas had arrived early. I had to wikipedia her to see if she was actually for REAL for real or if she was something created by like, The Onion.

She's for real.

And now I am passing on the love. We start with my most favorite/horrifying. Happy Kwanza!

This came in at a close second.

Seriously. It's almost a hate crime.

And last but not least, The Christmas Extravagannnnzaaa! SPICY!

I would LOVE to leave commentary on these. But they speak for themselves.

killed. me.

2010-12-07T19:41:00.001-08:00

'tis the season to choke you with tinsel

2010-11-30T20:12:00.000-08:00

Oh Boy. JUST when I got the tree up.

And downloaded my new FAVORITE Christmas album..(I mean the cover ALONE is enough)

JUST when I received this AWESOME present in the mail...

JUST when I was gettin' Jolly....SOME jackhole had to get into the elevator with me and say (first off, DON'T TALK IN THE ELEVATOR) "Are you having a good day?"

I said, "WHAT?"

She said "Are you having a good day?" (WITH concerned face)(furrowed brows. half smile)

I said "A GOOD DAY?? AM I having a good day?????"

She said, and added more concerned look "yes. Did you have a good day?"

I said " Umm. I guess. yah. sure."

She said, all purposeful and thoughtful like, nodding her head "good. good. Well, the worst is over, right?" Then jumped off.

WHAT?!?!?!??!

Seriously I was clenching my fists. SHE IS SO LUCKY HER FLOOR CAME UP. I mean WTF? Is she one of Santa's self appointed freakin elves? Who asks stupid stuff like that to strangers?? IN AN ELEVATOR?? I could tell she was one of those stupid self imposed do-gooder hippies who aren't hippies cuz they also go to expensive gyms. So they're EVEN MORE pious than regular poor hippies because they see themselves as even BETTER than poor hippies because hey! I am rich AND altruistic! Look at me! Money hasn't ruined me!! la di da di da!

It took like, 4 rounds of mellow style 'Drummer Boy' to calm me down. That and a glass of wine. Let me just tell you this is my first Christmas in 3 years WITHOUT MEDS. I should try one more..

...or just have more wine. I don't even drink btw. But my friends left a bunch of cheap ass two-buck-chuck in my fridge from Thanksgiving. And I dunno, I just instinctually just reached for it tonight. Hopefully I'm not blogging from Celeb rehab this time next year. Anyhoo, IGNORITOL.

I wish I had a cat....

2010-11-28T15:43:00.000-08:00

I totally stole this from Dooce, but this make me laugh so damn hard that I just HAD to!

PS. DOn't watch it here...go to youtube cuz I can't figure out how to make the video FIT my screen.

THIS is why I wish a had a kid. A girl kid.

2010-11-27T14:07:00.000-08:00

Christian Louboutins! For Barbie!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

2010-11-25T21:11:00.000-08:00

My good friend sent me this and I just cracked up so much that I re-watched immediately. Hope you're as stuffed as I am!
xoxo

Saturday Morning Sleep in

2010-11-20T08:58:00.000-08:00

Look who's made himself right at home. And yes. That is all mud and dirt. And yes. that is my bed. Aren't you jealous of my FAB life?

girl porn

2010-11-19T11:55:00.000-08:00

ZOOBORNS.COM!

You're welcome. Have a great weekend!

Aren't you like 40? Yah...TOP 40, Sweet Cheeks!

2010-11-17T14:19:00.000-08:00

My friend arrived on my doorstep this morning with a thermos of fresh homemade coffee and my present of Ugg slippers!

Now, I LOVE Ugg slippers. And I LOVE coffee.

But as I opened my present I couldn't help but laugh at how, even though I attempted to cancel my bday, my excitement over these old lady gifts was a SURE sign that I have crossed over the 30's threshold.

The time has come my old, approaching 40 friends, where we get SLIPPERS as presents.

AND WE LIKE IT.

Now, I for REAL am canceling the birthday where I start getting glass figurines and Hummel collectibles.

debbie downer

2010-11-15T09:11:00.000-08:00

I can't even BELIEVE Thanksgiving is NEXT WEEK!?!?!

How is this happening? HOW? It's 80 degrees outside! How am I even supposed to WANT to fire up my oven for a 10 lb turkey when it's SUMMER?? Why can't Cheryl's deliver turkeys WITH their cookies? (And, while I'm making demands/suggestions, I wish they'd give me free cookies for all this advertising I'm doing! )(and also change that name. I mean Cheryl's? Really?)

I'm very cranky these days. Which is EVIDENT given that I haven't even MENTIONED (let alone hinted at all the stuff I want)(with links) my Bday. That is because I have decided that it's cancelled this year.

I am canceling my birthday. (Why does cancelled have two L's and canceling have only one? WHY???)

I'm just not ready. It's too damn hot. And I am too busy playing Cesar Milan to have anything resembling a real life. I just spent another $75 on amazon buying DOG TREATS, which is ALMOST more shameful than my cookie splurge of last week.

I need a vacation. Somewhere cold. NO DOGS ALLOWED.

If I don't get a vacation soon I may end up back on my therapists couch which I SO don't wanna do A.Because I'd rather spend my money on ~~cookies~~ shoes and B. I'd probably just lie about everything because I've clearly regressed since my last sessions a couple years ago. I just don't know how I could fess up to a third dog, a cookie PROBLEM, AND how I almost kicked someone out of my class last week because she was chewing gum AND wore giant furry boots on an 80 degree day. I mean THAT is totally justified....but the third dog? No way. Shame central!

Maybe I should just go to Chipotle. That always make the world seem a brighter place. And speaking of that, I'll leave you with this article which is hilarious....

HOW TO EAT AT CHIPOTLE

Namaste!

2010-11-14T18:00:00.000-08:00

**Thanks Vanessa's Facebook

Keep! Coming! Back!

2010-11-12T08:23:00.000-08:00

If only there were an anonymous weekly meeting for my life. Not anything specific. But just a general "F*cked-ups Anonymous" type meeting to cover it all.

"Hello. My name is Yogabitch. And I am F*CKED UP"

I'm not sad about it or anything. It would just be nice to have a support group is all. A sea of nodding heads going "yah....been there. Done that. You spent your rent money on ONE pair of shoes? ME TOO!"

"You purposely farted near that one super annoying chick in yoga? After a lunch of Indian food? Extra spicy curry? Yup. That was my twenties, girl!"

You have 29 different bottles of hair product on your shelf? That you don't use? But they're FRENCH! Yah. I got a CLOSET full of the stuff. You GO GIRL!"

if only.

But then again. I have you guys. SO Just nod and smile and know you're not alone. No matter how BAD you might think you act....there's me.

Hello.

My name is YogaBitch.

And I am F*cked up. I've been in a downward shame spiral for the last two weeks. Rock bottom? Well. Let's hope. But I have a feeling it's just more of the same ole same ole.

1. My SUPER awesome friends sent me a WHOLE BOX. (36!) Of the best cookies IN.THE.WORLD. last week. It was a total surprise. I thought it was a box of books I had ordered from amazon. (see #2) I'm sure you're already predicting that OF COURSE I ate the entire box. My friends even told me how well said cookies "freeze." yah. We, (the cookies and I) never made it that far. But you knew that already. Cut to ONE WEEK LATER where I ended up on that website ordering not ONE but TWO more boxes. (this cookie company is VERY manipulative) Delivered TO ME. FROM ME. The shame. Especially when you go to check out and the pop-up says "include gift message?" and you click "No, proceed to checkout." I spent $75. On cookies. FOR MYSELF. When they do finally arrive I will put on my best "OH MY GOSH LOOK WHAT SOMEONE SENT ME" face.

2. I can't stop ordering books on Amazon. (But at least they're not cookies) Some of them are teen books. For teens. Maybe I can at least re-gift them to my nephew. or something. But they're SO good!

3. I may be single. But I'm not lonely! Who says money can't buy love? 11 inches of love! Best part? When I'm tired I just slam it shut. And when I need it again? It comes up instantly. No need to wait and wait for reboot. God Created Adam, Eve, and Mac. Right? This is NORMAL! Right?

4.What's wrong with this picture? Yep. That's one....two...THREE??? Whatevs. Call me Kody Brown. I've brought in a third. What? Love should multiply! I keep saying he's just visiting. Until I get him a real home. No one believes me. I swear he's NOT STAYING! And I'm starting my diet again. Tomorrow! (except I think that's when my two cookie boxes will arrive) (but no matter...HE'S NOT STAYING)

You're up next. Take the podium. Make me feel like I'm not alone here.

Why is the comments section empty?

WHY???????

Just another average Monday night

2010-10-26T07:29:00.000-07:00

Last night was your typical go see a Nicole Kidman Movie WITH Nicole Kidman sitting a few feet away, and then talking about the movie after.

I know I know. My life is as Bipolar as, well, as my personality. (Thanks Mom!)

I go from being a shut-in playing endless "words with friends" eating granola bars by the box, to a casual movie on a monday night where Hey! There's Nicole Kidman. Just sitting there. Right there. In a V neck tee and khakis talking about making a movie as any normal person would discuss baking cookies.

The Movie is called Rabbit Hole and it was VERY VERY good. Seriously, when it's released in DEC. you should go see it. No one fainted in this movie. When Nicole (we're on a first name basis now) discussed the movie she was incredible and approachable and I might have to say it's the best performance I've ever seen from her. You will be surprised. Trust me on this one.YogaBitch IS the new Ebert.

Once in a blue moon Living in LA is tolerable. I mean. Don't think I'm boasting here. It was Nicole Kidman. Not Zac Efron! But having nights like last night make up for Driving around in late oct with your AC blasting just so you can wear your cute new sweater.

Oh, you know. Monday stuff.

2010-10-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

Seriously, when this movie comes out go see it. Even if you're all "I don't wanna." Just do. I saw it this weekend and not one, not two, but THREE people fainted at a certain scene. If nothing else it makes you grateful for your arms. For me, it made me grateful that I hate hiking and nature and therefore will keep my arms thankyouverymuch.

Subject changer:
Yah! That's RIGHT! Don't think you're gonna mess with me and my RAJ and QI and ADZ. (it's pretty sad that in my free time I actually look up J words and try to memorize them)

Has anyone eaten these? Cuz I can't stop and was just wondering. They're worse than Girl Scout cookies because I keep saying in my head "They're GRANOLA bars, which = HEALTHY!

yah. that sums up my weekend.

RANT

2010-10-21T14:05:00.000-07:00

This week the episode of Glee was a re-run. But I watched it anyway and it made me sad, because THAT is the Glee I know and love. It's so, so, different now. Sad frowny face.

And then this morning I came across THIS. The "innocent" Lea Michele.

Are you Effing kidding me? I'm not even one to be prude about this stuff. But what made the show so amazing was it's innocence AND humor AND that dash of WRONG it always had. But it's gone from a perfect balance to every other slutty teen show out there. And this photo shoot for GQ just seals the deal. I mean, THEY PLAY 16 yr olds! I don't care if they're 20 in real life. UGH! I hate when everything GREAT in Hollywood gets destroyed.

And while I'm all worked up....I HATE THIS CONVERSATION:

Normal conversation about the housing market turns deadly...

SOMEONE: Hey, remember Jim blah blah. My friend from 20 yrs ago?

ME: um, no

S:YOU KNOW. That guy I was friends with in High school, down the block, with the red hat?

ME: ummmmm, NO.

S: YOU KNOW. His mom grounded him for prom and we used to hang out?

ME: NO! Anyway....

S: Okay, so anyway, I RAN INTO HIM!!!!! Can you believe he married has 5 kids and is now Mormon?! CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THAT!??!?! ISN'T THAT CRAAAAAAAZY?

ME: uh huh. yah sure. And?

S: So anyway, Turns out he lives in the neighborhood and just sold his house.

ME: And?

S: OH! He's the guy that one Christmas who came to that one party! You gotta remember THAT!

ME: NO!!!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHO HE IS! Just finish the story....

S: K, well, anyway HE sold HIS house so I am sure the market is going up....

ME: Thats dandy. So, when do you wanna go to lunch?

S: Wheneve...HEY! I know! He's the one who couldn't go to graduation because he got in that car wreck....YOU KNOW!

Happy Monday!

2010-10-18T10:00:00.001-07:00

This one cracks me up every.single.time.

And if you REALLY wanna laugh, go over to Kristina's Blog today.

BEST.DAY.EVER.

2010-10-17T20:23:00.000-07:00

This was just one of those magical days where unexpectedly EVERYTHING unfolds in a magical way.

Let me tell you about it.

- Dogs sleep IN b/c was drizzly dark day (my FAVORITE) Not rain. just nice mist.

-Have best Mexican Mocha over Skype with friends in DC. No, not Housewife friends, actual real live friend friends.

- Taught one hour class where not one but TWO girlfriends come. (girl. friends. am not polygamist lesbian.)
-No Asshogis come to class this morning. (ass+hole+yogis)
- Had incredible brunch where EVERYTHING ammmmmmaaaaaaayyyyyyyyzing. We keep saying that over and over, way only set of 3 lesbian polygamists can do.
-Brunch place CONVENIENTLY located next to Sprinkles. Clear choice. Get some to go.
For later.

-Because housekeeper here all day, we decide is perfect day to then get mani/pedi's.
-mani/pedi place messed up credit card numbers and charged me 24 instead of 42!! (would normally point this out buuuuuuutttttt have walked out of this particular place with hack job TEN too many times) so. YAY!
-THEN decide HUNGRY!..... AGAIN! Obviously....CHEESECAKE FACTORY! Scored FREE cheesecake b/c had awesome waiter. New Peanut butter flavor! DIED.

-Had to walk off Cheesecake Factory coma...Nordstrom Obvious destination. Talk friend into getting her first pair Uggs. She buys TWO. (evil snicker)
-Go to kid section to get her KID first pair Uggs. She gets him TWO. (double evil snicker)
-Find out that KID uggs $40 LESS THAT ADULT UGGS!?!?!? ALSO find out can fit in largest possible kid size. Score Uggs for ME!!! $40 cheaper! Who knew?!?!??! (friend evil snickers)

-b/c of multiple Ugg purchases finally qualify for PLATINUM shopper status=FREE VALET FOR A YEAR!!!! (am loyal and good customer)
-Come home to sparkly clean house
-Make first fireplace fire. SUCCESSFULLY. (turns out all it takes is "starter log"...who knew?)

-Put on new uggs, lie on couch, watch Sister Wives, Dexter. AND Kardashians.
-Is perfect day

If you're good, REALLY good....this could be waiting for you under the tree this year.

2010-10-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought life couldn't get worse than the Snuggie. Here comes the Booty Buddy Blanket!

The ad reads "It's a blanket AND a poncho!"

Yes. Because I have been saying ALL ALONG that if ONLY SOMEONE would release a new southwestern stylized poncho, that I can SLEEP in!

Also, Thank GOD someone finally put a hood on this thing because I am telling you, that snuggie was hugely lacking without the hoodie. My head is just freezing when I walk around the house.

Too bad it's lacking cup holders and an ipod hook up. Otherwise I'd be ordering it now.

I mean, the ADULT Tiger is tempting....and HOT.....RAWWWWR. But again, no cup holders.

Although....they ALMOST had me at the Penguin....

I wonder at which point the "executives" narrowed the choices down to 'tiger and penguin?'

Happy Saturday! Go See the Movie 'LIFE AS WE KNOW IT.'

2010-10-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

I have been waiting and waiting for this movie to come out. And now it is! First off, JOSH DUHAMEL! I've loved him since his All My Children days. I feel as if I discovered him. Like, "I knew him way back when." I know. Just add it to my HUGE list of delusions. It'll be right up there with that size 6 skirt hanging in my closet as my "goal outfit"....from 1998.

Second... GREG BERLANTI is the Director!!!! I could list all his accomplishments here. But really, for me, he had me at The Broken Hearts Club. I have been a loyal and worshipping follower since then and I LOVE seeing him rise to the King of Hollywood. Also? He's hot.

SO there you go. If anyone, from say LA/San Diego wants to join me I'll buy the Mochas!!

I'm in the mooooood for loooove....Pumpkin Pie Love, That is!

2010-10-06T09:47:00.000-07:00

EVERYTHING YOU NEED FOR A COZY NIGHT IN....

Nothing inspires me to shop like Fall. NOTHING! Here are my most favorite items right now. DO yourself a favor and indulge in at least ONE of these. Because You deserve it! (I really should write a motivational book, no?)(I would call it...Why to Buy: All the reasons to say YES at the sales counter!)

GET THESE SHOES! I've been over Kate Spade since early 2000. But She's back. With a Vengeance! A sparkly sparkly Vengeance!

PS. I don't get paid for ANY of this. But I should! RIght Kate? RIGHT?!?!?! (WILL WORK FOR SHOES)

And then take THIS with you to your pedicure place....

It's called Bad Romance. 'nuff said.

These are some of my favorite candles...one, because I LOVE the scents and two, because they're SO CHEAP!!! What's not to love? Just whisper those three magic words....two for one

Mrs. Meyers has THE BEST cleaning products ever. I have been a fan for ages. If you ever come over you will see my kitchen stocked and the best part is they have seasonal flavors too!! This year is orange clove. I ALWAYS rotate between Basil and Geranium. And they're won't break the bank. I heart this company. HIRE ME! only if employess get free samples

I bought this sweater yesterday as a treat for being SO GOOD on my diet. I say, when you can't buy oreos...BUY VINCE! I know it SEEMS expensive, but when you live in it every single day, AND YOU WILL, it only ends up costing like...I don't know. JUST GET IT!

EVER has the softest hoodies, well, ever. This particular one is my MOST favorite because it is all baggy and snuggly and and....put it on your wish list.

Mmmmm. Caramels. These are my favorite. By far. They go oh so well with coffee. Yes. In the morning. Hey. whatever gets you through the day I say! I wish I knew the woman who started this company. We'd be friends. Better yet I wish we were NEIGHBORS! Would bring a whole new concept to "borrowing a cup of sugar"

I'm addicted to the shopaholic books (shocking!)(It's like I'm reading my own autobiography)...so when this came out I couldn't order it fast enough. I haven't even started it yet because I'm saving it for the perfect fall day.

If you don't live near Trader Joe's....MOVE. They have these 100 calorie dark chocolate bars that are TO DIE FOR! AND only 100 calories!!!! There are 5 in a box. Which means they intend for you to have one a day MON-FRI. I'm SURE that's what they intended. AND they're only $1.99!!! Seriously I am so hooked on these that if you want to send me the $$$, I will ship them to you! **there's milk choc too, but haven't tried those.

K, Wallaby Yogurt. It's Yogurt. It's Dark Chocolate. I can't say more. I could only find it at stupid hateful assWHOLE Foods....but I'm sure they have it other places too. I think I eat one a day. They have a delicioso Lemon too. WHEN will these guys make a pumpkin pie yogurt?! PLEASE!!!!

Mistral is by far my MOST favorite bar of soap. You can't go wrong with the whole brand, but OH THE WINTERBERRY! I usually find them at Anthropologie, if you wanna test the scent first. But trust me on this one.

I could list about 20 things from Fresh that I can hardly live without. So many great bath products, so little time. But this is my newest favorite!! (the nectarine lotion comes in at a close second) (oh, and the lemon sugar spray) (I'll stop) (this also matches the shoe/nail polish combo listed above)(just saying)

If this stuff doesn't make for one hell of a Fall evening I don't know what will.

xoxo,

yogabitch

FALL, You complete me.

2010-10-05T16:28:00.000-07:00

Today was actually cold enough for me to wear Uggs AND have a pumpkin spice latte at the bucks. I'm in SUCH a good mood! WITH NO MEDS! I swear, I hope by the time I retire, I have ~~inherited~~ earned enough money to build a huge retirement center where the AC is set to 65 at all times and the leaves are painted fall colors year round and Pumpkin scent is pumped through the vents and and we'll call it FALL LAND.

Um, I'm watching Oprah in the background and she just gave her entire audience..........a $25 gift card to Michaels. I bet they were SO PISSED that they weren't the "Australia" audience or the "FREE CAR" audience. I mean, how shameful to come home from your trip to Oprah, with a $25 Michael's Gift card?!?! HAHAAHA!!

Oh man, can today get any better?!

It's not MSNBC....but it's close.

2010-10-04T08:07:00.000-07:00

Ah. perfect morning. It's drizzling outside, kinda sorta almost chilly, hot coffee in hand. Dare I say it might be, gulp, FALL?

Last night I watched for the first time, TLC's Sister Wives. I literally watched it with my mouth open. FOR SOME reason I thought this was a scripted show which is why I haven't watched it up until now. I was kinda sick of the whole polygamy thing, Big Love aside. (I mean, they were the pioneers...HA! Pioneers! ha!... of the polygamy popularity) But a for real, real live reality show?? I was in Celestial Kingdom!

Seriously this is the best show. I mean the title is lame. I would have gone with say, The Real Housewive's Wives of Utah or Wife Hoarders or Say YES YES YES and YES to the dresses! or perhaps Wife Hunters.

But the show! THE SHOW! Is just so good. I mean, these women canNOT hide their emotion. The main guy, Kody, is basically courting a 4th wife, Robyn, who was introduced to him by his first wife Meri. (WHAT is with the name spelling, you rogue Mormons you?!) (oh and don't get me started with the names in this show. One little girl is NAMED Banana) Anyway...the wives are all talking about Robyn who is much younger at 30, and one of them says "she's cute. Real pretty. Am I jealous? no. Kody's a good man. He deserves a trophy wife. He deserves a cute girl." And the camera goes over to one of the other wives who looks PISSED at that comment, like she is DYING to be all "BITCH PLEASE, I AM THE TROPHY WIFE"

What I realized, again, in watching this show is that I watch WAYYYY too much HGTV and that it's affecting my life. When Kody moved Robyn into a new house I was all..."Those aren't even granite countertops! No stainless appliances??? LAMINATE FLOORS???? Cheap bastard!"

So yah. My move to TLC from HGTV may be a lateral one, but I think it's good I branch out at this point in ANY direction.

Ladies...watch your purse....

2010-10-01T19:23:00.000-07:00

someone left a purse in a bar and when the bartender went through it to find the owner this list was in there. I am DYING laughing!!!! Also...what is a moondoggy??? a dessert?? If this is YOUR list fess up!

I mean Geez! I thought I had a lot to do on MY 'to do' list! This may even beat Kristina's annual resolutions!

Thursday mash-up

2010-09-30T08:33:00.000-07:00

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"You could taste the resentment in her cookie"

-judge on Top Chef Just Desserts

RE: Glee's Britney Episode....I'm only gonna say this once cuz it's just embarrassing...john stamos has never been hotter.

there.

Also for my one friend, you know who you are, who 5 yrs ago said, and I quote "I'm sorry, but Britney is totally OVER."

yah. HHHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAH!

It's hard always being right. but SOMEone's gotta do it.

UNRELATED: (but in the theme of music)

Here's a video for your almost-friday-but-not-quite-day. Oh man. This cracked me up. I'm gonna start doing this for when people annoy me in class. It's a long one but It's worth it. watch it during your lunch break or something. mmmm...lunch....not a good sign to be craving lunch already at 8 am.....but mmmm, LUNCH!!!

2010-09-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

Seriously. I can barely type. My fingers have melted into the keys. This has, thus far been the CRAPPIEST fall in the history of all Falls. Can I just tell you that it was 113 degrees on monday. 113! In downtown LA. They THINK, because actually once it hit 113 the thermometer broke.

Which brings me to the poor poor state of Ca that the entire city of LA has only ONE thermometer apparently. And YET Lloyd, the park caretaker at my local park, was showing off the new fancy park garbage cans which are electronic and have a light telling you when it's full or not. Hmmmmmm. Well, anyway, Lloyd LOVES those cans so that makes me happy. Especially since last month he was bitching to me about how he now has to take forced friday no pay furloughs. They can't pay the park people but they CAN pay for electronic garbage cans. hmmmmmm.

But whatevs. I saw two AWESOME movies this week. The Social Network (MUST SEE!) and Wall Street (ALSO MUST SEE!) When the weather is scary hot, movies are the way to go. So go see those movies!! (although seeing two movies where people are dealing in the BILLION dollar spending bracket, your target bargain buys may seem less significant)

And for my last complaint...how am I supposed to buy hoards of halloween candy bars when it's too damn hot to eat them?????

Some stuff to make your MONDAY better!

2010-09-27T12:53:00.000-07:00

Will.I.am. ROCKS!! (you'll be humming this all day. trust.) (if it doesn't make you smile all day long, you might be needing "depressed turtle" --see below)

On other fronts, A german toy company has released Stuffed animals with mental illnesses!

HAHA! FINALLY! Man, when I was a kid the most we ever had as diversity was a black baby doll. If someone had just given me OCD hippo I wouldn't have felt like such an outsider! And seriously, don't you just wanna give depressed turtle one giant hug!? Would my sister in law be offended if I got one of these for her new nursery?? I'm loving the identity crisis sheep, which for all purposes, might actually be useful for my poor soon to be born irish/polish niece or nephew.

If facebook existed YEARS ago....

2010-09-25T22:46:00.000-07:00

**Thanks dad!

J. Timberlake...watch out! There's a new Automation in town!

2010-09-24T15:53:00.000-07:00

This is a boy band music video ad....

....FOR BIOLOGICAL LAB EQUIPMENT.

"pipettin' all those well plates baby, sends your thumbs into over dri-ive... Spendin' all nights in a lab makes it hard for your love to thri-ive..."

yes. yes it DOES make it hard for my love to thrive!

Make sure you watch to the end because it just gets better and better and yes you WILL be humming this tune....Girl, it's time to automa-ate!!

I'm thinking my new name will be "K money dawg"

2010-09-23T13:23:00.000-07:00

Last night in Hip Hop, a brotha came up to me after class. He said, and I quote "GIRL....I don't know who you are but you BETTER be comin' back every single day because I saw you and you got it! GIRL...YOU.GOT.IT!(snaps his fingers)

Oh, and before you ask.
1. No, he's not blind (I don't think)
and
2. No, he's not special ed. (pretty sure)
and
3. NO, he's NOT from the insane asylum (most likely)
and
4. NO, he's not the owner who just wants my $$$ (is he?)

He just CLEARLY recognizes latent hipster talent when he sees it.

THAT or maybe he was just encouraging the poor fatty oldie whitey spaz in the back.

LOVE LOVE LOVE

2010-09-21T12:49:00.000-07:00

If this doesn't make your day I don't know what will.

Yep. i STILL got it~I'm HAUTEyogabitch

2010-09-21T10:44:00.000-07:00

I was flipping through "the top 10 hair trends for fall" and I almost fell off my bed to see that MY HAIR IS TRENDY AGAIN!!!!

I am SO relieved. JUST when I was gonna drop a full car payment on a Brazilian blow dry! Yippee! I wonder when lunch lady arms will be back in?!?! It's around the corner. I can feel it!!

just sad

2010-09-20T14:07:00.001-07:00

Has it seriously been 2 whole weeks since I've blogged?? Seriously? I think this is a serious sign that all I've been doing for 2 whole weeks is watching HGTV. I'm on a downward spiral here. I probably need an intervention of some kind. I haven't even watched ANY normal shows (well, except the housewives and the kardashians)(if you can call those normal)(which you really can't)

ANYWAY....I'm even watching Divine Design as we speak. And yes. yes I have registered to win the Urban Oasis apt. in NYC.

Old age is not suiting me well. These are shows MY PARENTS WOULD BE WATCHING.

THAT

AND

I've been taking hip hop classes. yah. you read that right.

HIP

HOP

Can we say DENIAL folks?! If I were a guy, hip hop classes would be my hairplugs.

It's tragic. I need a vacation. Or SOMEthing. Someone write a letter about me to Dr. Phil. QUICK! Save me!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS. ANyone watching "thintervention?" HILARIOUS.

Happy "LABOR" DAY!

2010-09-06T08:53:00.000-07:00

Just call me Lady Bump Bitch

2010-09-03T07:44:00.001-07:00

I can't stop watching this cuz it's fascinating and hilarious and and....they call me LADY BUMP! What?

Love the hair. LOVE the screams. Love the bad dancing. Love the line "they call me lady bump...just look at me and you'll know why".... cuz I have NO IDEA why. Love the really bizarro decor. LOVE IT ALL!

It's always good to have goals.

2010-09-02T07:16:00.001-07:00

Ah. For ONCE it's all chilly and foggy in sunny LA. I am snuggled up in bed, laptop on lap, mug of steaming coffee in hand, wrapped up in my new fluffy white spa robe, recently "purchased" from Fat Ranch Camp. ('gift with purchase' is what I say!) Life is grand....

....until it gets to 100 degrees today as the news is reporting. Yuck. I am the rare individual who HATES heat and summer. The word SEPTEMBER is like music to my ears. Fall is my FAVORITE time of year! YAY FALL! Anything ending in 'ember' is JOY JOY JOY!

Fall is like My New Year. I like to set goals and plans. THIS year I am turning the big FOUR -OH. So I am for sure diving right into mid life crisis mode WHAT AM I DOING WHO AM I WHERE AM I GOING IN LIFE AND WHY DO I STILL LOVE OREOS AT THIS AGE???

When I take an inventory of my life I have this...TWO Lazy ass dogs,

TWO cars...one of which I DON'T EVEN WANT, a very yellow living room, and a serious new addiction to House Hunters on HGTV. The fact that I even WATCH HGTV is s HUGE sign of crossing over to the dark side of adulthood. I LOVE THIS SHOW. Why do old people love homes so much?? I can't get enough of it. And when I do a tivo binge I feel dirty afterwards. I feel like HGTV is the new Lawrence Welk/Merv Griffin show. it just screams I AM OLD NOW. Well, at least I haven't started watching Wheel of Fortune and Price is Right...YET. (if you have to do a google search on Lawrence Welk and or Merv Griffin because you have no idea who they are? I HATE YOU)

SO. My goal for this new year? Marry rich and have a baby and have Candice Olson do a divine design on my nursery and kitchen. Shallow? sure. But all I have to say is...it's all about the backsplash in the kitchen. Basket weave marble here I come!

HOME SWEET TiVo!

2010-08-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

I'm baaaaack! I have loads to unpack and my house is a filthy mess b/c my housekeeper is having health problems (which I wanna be sympathetic and all, but WHO IS GONNA VACUUM????)

In between watching all my Tivo'd shows and attempting to unpack, I figured I'd share the love of marcel. Don't worry. It's family friendly. And it kinda made my day.

This has nothing to do with fat camp

2010-08-27T13:46:00.000-07:00

This is the video you find on your son's computer that makes you realize you will most probably have a son-in-law named Bruce in about 12 years.

FAT CAMP: DAY 4 : and shasay to the left JAZZ HANDS!

2010-08-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

I just wanted you to see for yourself how the pool is completely empty. This was taken by me. The only person lounging by the pool. Everyone else at fat ranch camp was off hiking or biking or whatever stupid outdoor type lame thing they were doing. I was enjoying my morning coffee and USA Today news.

Why have a pool if you're not gonna LOUNGE by it, I say.

Today I only had TWO dance classes and then a Mud Wrap. YUM. The mud wrap was incredible.

But the REAL highlight of the evening was the Dance show. Which yours truly was in. Dare I say a star was born tonight?

yes. yes I do.

FAT CAMP: DAY 2 (3? 4? I've lost track)

2010-08-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

One of the perks of Fat Ranch is that you get an allotment of "treatments" like massages and stuff. They have like HUNDREDS of different treatments ranging from your normal average deep tissue massage to freaky "shamanic Journey." (no judgments) (but, HAHAHHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHA! FREAK!)

I booked your standard massage/facial/mud wrap/mani-pedi treatments and then I swore I would try one of their weirdo ones. And believe you me...I did the LEAST of the crazy. It is called WATSU. Which is WAter+shiATSU. I guess SHITER would have been a less appropriate abbreviation.

um. yah.

You lie in a really pretty indoor pool, which is warm and salt watery and a "healer" or whatever moves you around and stuff. When people around here speak of it they get all "ooooohhhhhh you haaaaaave to do WATSU!"

yah.

Basically this is it.....

except.....

I didn't have Fabrizio there swirling me around. I had Grandma Time with bling in her teeth. When she was prepping me for my swirly water "massage" she goes "looks like you'll float REAL GOOD"

BITCH-SU.

I was trying so hard not to laugh the whole time. And all I could think was "is it over yet? is it over yet? is it over yet?"

So. That rounded off day 2 of fat camp. Tomorrow I have a nice normal mud wrap.

Did I mention I took like 3 dance classes today? I'll let you know that I have a RECITAL tomorrow. There may or may not be video footage.

Fat Camp: DAY 1

2010-08-23T16:05:00.000-07:00

First off this place is HUGE. I still don't have my bearings. We're in the arizona hills in Tucson. I mean it's nice and all. If you have a fondness for cacti. LOTS of cacti (scrabble word!!)

I took my first "ZUMBA!" class today. We don't have ZUMBA! at my gym. We're too "high fallutin" for all that latino crap. I have heard many good things from people around town about ZUMBA! (that's how they ALWAYS say it ZUMBA!!!!!) It always sounded lame to me.

So here's what I have to say about it.

It was a bunch of middle aged ladies and their gays. On meth. And mineral water.

They shout the word ZUMBAAA!!! About fifty million times. The instructor was Charro and Richard Simmons all in one. On meth.

It's a combo of every single aerobics class you've ever taken ALL IN ONE set to latino dance tunes. I felt like I was on the lido deck on the Love Boat, with all the silver haired ladies and their young gay studs. It was fun.

The schedule here is insane. I brought a STACK of books to read...imagining myself sipping mai-tais by the pool. no.

I have eaten a TON today. The problem with Canyon Ranch "fat camp" is that you have 3 restaurants here, with yummy albeit healthy food, and you can order WHATEVER YOU WANT. And it's included in the week. So, FREE!

I hate to say that I have already begun hoarding the choc chip cookies. But they're HEALTHY. ALL twenty of them!

Oh well, at least I'm working out.

AND I get my first of MANY massages tonight! Yippee! YAY FAT CAMP with choc chip cookies and massages!!!! I HEART DIETING!

MY ROOM

It's cute how they have a couch. As if you get to just sit around ever. But I am making some fun senior citizen style friends. One thing is, when you get a group of old fatties around , they have LOTS of character.

My computer time is up. Time to get to my 5pm lecture on I can't remember what but I have a purse full of cookies to see me through it!

calo-mine, calo-mine, calomine lotion!

2010-08-22T06:41:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving for fat camp now. :( I just threw away ~~packed up for the drive~~ my last package of oreos. vanilla. yummm.

Pray for me brother and sisters of the united pentablogal church. And ye brethren of the Latter Blog Saints.

And don't worry Words-With-Friends friends! I am SO ON. And let me tell you that my shamanic healing life/tennis coach at fat camp will help me BEAT YOU ALL. Screw Tennis and hiking and golf! pff! I will be poolside with my phone stealthily hidden in a "book". (cell phones aren't allowed at fat camp)(but as I say to the police...it's not a PHONE. It's an IPOD.)

and to think, The ZOO used to be a safe place to take the kiddies....

2010-08-17T13:52:00.000-07:00

All I can say is that I was CRYING laughing....not so much at the ACT going on here, but more just A: Listening to the kids reactions and B: thinking of the poor parents having to explain this to their kids after their trip to the zoo.

And also C: Guys are SO STUPID and it's obviously in their genetic primal make-up!

Forgive me.

A deep and meaningful post

2010-08-11T07:17:00.000-07:00

TV
Hey. whatever happened to male daytime talk show hosts?? Not Jerry Springer. But where's the new Montel or Phil Donahue?? I was flipping channels yesterday and it was just one chick after the other. And on that note...what happened to Jenny Jones?? Sally Jesse? Where are they now?? I wish they would make a reality show of all has-been talk show hosts. HA! That would be good. Right?

And while we're on that subject, when oh WHEN is Bravo gonna do The real GAY housewives of wherever. I don't even care. I mean that would be THE BEST SHOW EVER!!! DO YOU HEAR ME BRAVO!!??

Also, Project Runway is BOR-ING this season. Everyone is all buddy buddy and subdued. And Design Star? I'm sorry, but that's the sorriest bunch of "designers" I've seen yet. Last week's "dining rooms" were all like the ugliest dining rooms EVER. Has all the talent been exhausted??

MOVIES
I saw 'flipped' last night. Cutest movie. Took me RIGHT back to the era of my childhood. I mean, it was WAY earlier than MY childhood, but it was still kinda the same. It was nice to just watch a REAL movie with no crazy effects and no puzzles and twists. Delightful, is what I say.

Can't WAIT to see EAT PRAY LOVE!! I'm just gonna go ahead and brag that the producer who is also the producer of GLEE used to take my yoga classes religiously. Until he got all busy and popular and stuff. I realize I sound like one of the stupid housewives of DC (also BOR-ING) so I may even go so far as to say that I made that guy who he is. through yoga. yah. TOTALLY. He better THANK ME at the Oscars/Emmy's WHATEVER! I bet he even THOUGHT of Glee during one of my classes. I bet.

ANNOYING
Yoga students who come to class late AND IN 5 INCH HIGH HEELS.

Whole Foods...always on this list. They're supposed to give you a 5 cent credit if you bring your own grocery bags and don't use one of theirs. Yesterday I spent $50 and just put it all in my giant purse/bag and the bitch didn't give me my 5 cent credit so when I asked about it she goes "that's if you BRING A BAG...your purse doesn't count." And she for real wouldn't give me the 5 cent credit! WTF?!?!? I HATE THEM WITH MY SOUL.

The real housewives of DC

Yoga students who chew gum in class. The buddha hates you.

Owning 2 cars. When you're single.

HILARIOUS
Teenagers who swear up and down that they will pay for a car if you buy it for them.

THIS....(for my UTE fans)

PARENTING: FAIL

2010-08-07T07:01:00.000-07:00

The other one moved out last night. Maybe I should consult Dr. Spock next time??

On other fronts...this oughta make your day! (watch the whole thing even if at first you think it's lame)

Genius

2010-08-03T14:31:00.000-07:00

I got this email from a friend today....

Hello everyone,
Sorry about the group nature of this email.

It is my birthday (my 3_th, can you guess?) on 8/4.

Instead of lavishing me with expensive gifts, luxurious getaways to exotic destinations, or stays at 5 star hotels, why not change things up this year and make a donation to a pet rescue organization?

Molly's Mutts and Meows is a great, Los Angeles based, pet rescue organization. I met them at a pet event at Whole Foods in West Hollywood, CA and have been impressed by their professionalism and dedication to animal welfare.
So, how about making a donation to Mollys Mutts and Meows?

Follow this link to make a secure, financial contribution to pets in need
http://birthdays.causes.com/wishes/2441

THis is like, THE BEST WAY EVER to remind people of your birthday without looking like you're reminding people of your birthday! GENIUS!!!!

I also SO appreciate the way he snuck in the presents he really did want too. I am kicking myself for not thinking of this!

SO, be prepared at some point in early NOVEMBER to be making some "donations" for my bday!!!

An uplifting sunday message

2010-08-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
When someone tells me to just roll with the punches, I roll the punches directly at their face.
-thedayhascome

This video cracks me up. ****WARNING***STRONG LANGUAGE****DO NOT PLAY AT WORK****

Hello motha. Hello Fatha. Greetings from Camp. Hiawatha.

2010-07-28T18:26:00.000-07:00

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
- Miss Piggy

I've had enough. I just enrolled for fat camp. One whole week. Aug 22. I might die of no TV. I'm SURE they don't have tv there. I got a private room just in case. So I can at least have netflix streaming...wait, they better have wifi! I'm sure I'll be sneaking into the regular people's spa getaways for any wayward gourmet snacks left behind. I wonder if they search your luggage? I hope it's not all like lock down rehab. I mean, not that I've been to rehab. But I HAVE been in lockdown. Aka, juvie.

But Juvie wasn't all that bad. Bible camp. Now THAT was bad. {shiver} Yah. It's true. I was once a Jesus Jammer. I bought Jesus friendly rock albums. I was a "Job's Daughter" aka Jobie. I was a regular in Young Life (does that even exist still?) I went to Bible camp at least 3 different summers. Maybe even more. I was undefeated in the bible verse memorizing championships. I spent an entire summer working in my Uncle's Bible Bookstore in Tyler, Texas....stealing Bibles and Precious moments figurines to give to my bible campy friends. My last summer at Bible camp I was 16 and my friend and I snuck into the cabins during morning vespers to steal the camp counselors' ID's so we could get into bars when we got home.

It was never meant to be, me and the Jesus. I think what you should NEVER teach children is how no matter what you do, Jesus will forgive you, cuz that's all I took away from a lifetime of sunday school. That I could be really bad, and at say, 80 or so, I could beg for forgiveness and all would be well! No one paid more attention to 'the prodigal's son' story more than me!

wait. where was I? Oh yah. fat camp. yah. so I haven't been to camp since my holy roller days. I fully expect that nothing has changed and that even if I am approaching 40, I will probably still be breaking into the kitchen madly hunting for chocolate ganache.

So, pray for me, children of Israel, that I may be lead to the garden of apple fritters during my stay at fat camp. Because I am already in such a panic that I am planning my entire saturday around getting to the newly opened LA outpost of Magnolia Bakery to beat the crowds and get my 2 cupcakes and banana pudding and key lime cheesecake all before it has to end on that fateful day of Aug. 22.

I would beg for God's mercy right about now, but I still have those stolen Bibles to repent for, and I'm not 80 yet. So you guys pray FOR me k?

gotta get to ~~the bakery~~ church.....

more hassle than birthing a kid.

2010-07-23T20:56:00.000-07:00

It all started with one email.

Be sure to bring these items with you:
• A valid, government-issued photo ID
• Your Social Security number
• A debit or credit card
*your right eyeball
*proof of American citizenship (arizona only)
*SAT score
*Notarized letter from President of the Unites States stating you are worthy of owning iphone 4

honestly it was downhill BEFORE that email, whence I had to sign up for the damn phone and get on their "waiting list" where you had to GO INTO the store itself, whereupon (see how I'm actually USING my english degree here?) a high and mighty "genius" put you on a waiting list by going to the mac website and adding my name. Something EASILY done at home. But no. They make you work for it.

Long story longer...
Had to pay $60 IN SALES TAX. On a $199 phone. hmmmmm. That's some FUNNY MATH
Found out AFTER I got home that my operating system doesn't meet the precious baby's "requirements"
New operating system is $169
Purchased said operating system...My computer doesn't have enough memory for said operating system.

OBVIOUSLY I returned the phone, right? RIGHT?!?!

I feel like one of those ladies whose boyfriends beat them up every friday night after they've lost their paychecks on black jack and bud light and I'm all "but he LOVES ME. He'll change eventually. HE SAID HE WILL!!!"

The shame.

But hey. call me! face time!

oh. and ps. the phone barely even works as a phone. I now need to get a "bumper" for the baby so I don't drop every call. What's next? an i-bjorn carrier?

I LOVE YOU MS. HANNIGAN

2010-07-22T07:02:00.001-07:00

Ms. Hannigan was seriously misunderstood.

I get that now. She was no evil villain! What the story neglects to tell you is how Ms. Hannigan had to spend YEARS dealing with TEEN girls. They don't SHOW that part in the movie. They don't SHOW how HORRIFIC Annie would have been during puberty! I mean, she was a REDHEAD! Can you even imagine the torture she would have endured when Annie turned, say, 19!?

OF COURSE she hated little girls cuz she KNEW that they grow up to be money sucking, time sucking, blood sucking black holes in the universe. NO WONDER they love vampire stuff so much! it's in their NATURE.

Seriously someone needs to do the untold Ms. Hannigan story. I gotta say I am MORE than ready to take a bath of cheap vodka too! I totally GET HER!

Long story short. Tslave high tailed it back home on tues. She "couldn't take the pressure." THE PRESSURE!!!!!!!!....of getting a job. That just really got to her, ya know? That whole working thing? She said, in between sobs, and I quote "I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS! I CAN'T WAKE UP EVERY.SINGLE.MORNING. SICK TO MY STOMACH! THAT I HAVE TO GET A JOBBBBBBBBB!!!!"

I can't even type in enough caps on that one. We need a double caps key for teen speak alone.

Buying a car for a 19 yr old who was going to pay half the payment? Yah. we all knew THAT was a bad idea to begin with.

I don't get teens today. I was NEVER like that! I worked from 15 on. AND, parking tickets aside, I was basically PERFECT. (I think if you live anywhere in Northern California you maybe just heard an old man named Larry choke to death)

Well, I still have the sister. but she's 20. I think that makes some sort of difference. She shed a tear or two when Tslave got on the plane. But as soon as she got back into what is now HER brand new car, those tears dried up fast. I suspect they were less "tears" and more 'bausch and lomb'.

I'm gonna go take a ~~double vodka~~ bubble bath now!

Well, it's a start, and That's good enough for me!

2010-07-08T23:31:00.000-07:00

I have had such a stressful/annoying/busy couple of weeks. I've got blogs. yes. I do. But for now, this made me smile and relax for the first time in DAYS! Enjoy!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!

2010-06-20T20:38:00.000-07:00

T.G.I.-SGF!

2010-06-18T10:41:00.000-07:00

I HAD a post for today. But I am still laughing at these. They have already made my weekend.

And if you don't already read her site regularly then run click don't walk click over there! She's practically my best friend! ~~never met her before in my life~~

Remember when you were supposed to do your homework and you were all "I can't WAIT to be out of school so NO MORE HOMEWORK!" yah.

2010-06-16T22:41:00.000-07:00

HEY! Did anyone know that it costs OVER $300 to insure a 19 yr old in a car?

PER MONTH.

$320.

PER MONTH.

Yah. I didn't know that EITHER.

Black Cars are the New Binky

2010-06-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

I spent all day yesterday getting Tslave (that's her new LA rapper name) a car. I didn't mean to. I went to get MY car washed at the dealership and one thing lead to another and also I'm "ridin' the crimson wave" and hadn't had enough coffee and poof!

I am EXACTLY the target for whom car salesmen hold weekend seminars at the airport econo-lodge. The quintessential female "suckah."

There are so very MANY levels about this purchase that were wrong, not the least of which is the mere fact that Tslave still hasn't even passed her CA driver's test! I didn't mention that as I was signing the paperwork.

details details

(The upside: SHe can take HERSELF to the DMV to pass that test!)

All I can say in my defense is that I was under the duress of a month of listening to "P*ssy" lyrics in MY car.

I have a feeling I would be the type of parent that gave her kids lollipops to just shut them up.

stalkarazzi

2010-06-11T11:06:00.000-07:00

Teen slave and Mick bonded yesterday as they stalked and mocked Diane Keaton. We, I mean THEY clearly need a better telephoto lense. I had NO part in this. THEY were parked on our couch as they filmed directly across the street. In NO WAY was I involved and or instigated this behavior! At one point DIane looked directly at us....THEM!

I think she has a great career ahead of her for star magazine.

Public Service Announcement

2010-06-09T17:47:00.000-07:00

There ARE some good things that come from having a teen around. They like stuff like KFC. And because of this I FOUND IT!

"What IT?" you ask?

The long lost McDonald's fried apple pie. yummmmm.

As I'm sure you all know, back when someone had the worst idea in the history of ideas, they did away with the fried apple pie and replaced it with the baked aplpe pie. Who even cares about a BAKED apple pie?? From McDonalds? "I'll have a Big mac, super sized fries, and hmmmm, let's see...OOH! A healthy baked pie please! I'm watching my cholesterol don't you know"

Well, The GENIUS buyers at KFC saw an opportunity, and being that it's KFC and not KBC, they were all "F*ck it! Let's just do the fried!"

I tell you, it's the exact same fried apple pie of Micky Dee's yore. I am thrilled beyond belief. I maybe went through the drive-thru TWICE in one day to get them. It was sad. The lady was all "that's it? ~~four~~ two apple pies?? No chicken bowl? Drink? No?"

I think I've hit a milestone in life when the KFC drive-thru lady feels sorry for me.

Anyhoo. all I can says is 2 for $1!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS...you think I'M CRAZY? Yah. There are others.

PPS. I swear I am not the author of that Investigative chart. I love how it has an entire column for "confirmed" and "rumor". I think I've found my soul mate.

The Dark Side Of Fake Parenting...

2010-06-08T19:43:00.000-07:00

Teen Slave had to go to the DMV today. I had to take her. This means I HAD TO GO TO THE DMV FOR NO REASON FOR ME WHATSOEVER!!!!!!!!!!!

This is like, PURE EVIL. I think this should be an installment for Birth Control. Let people KNOW that when if you have/adopt kids, it means EXTRA trips to the DMV. {shudder}

And here's where she REALLY got me back for all the advanced spin classes and 14 hr day "extras" jobs. SHE FAILED THE DAMN TEST!!

This means....you guessed it.....ANOTHER TRIP TO THE DMV!!!

Kill me now.